It's been awhile...

Since I posted anything...sort of forgot this is more for myself then anyone else. But at least now I can update from my iPod...maybe I'll just start a new blog...I said I would stop posting after 100 posts or a years passing, and it has been a year. Maybe it's time to open a new chapter...yea. It's a new day. New thoughts, new feelings. It seems like I'm finally saying goodbye to my paranoia. You were good company....

3rd of july. 4th technically

and i cant wait to wake up. the condor and i have been hit with the late night natural drunk and the self inflincted one that is bound for tomorrow will be a great one.
5 hours and it begins....

FINALLY!

damn its been awhile since i posted anything up here. ive wanted to, but for some reason i cant post stuff from my fone anymore. on the bright side, i just got internet on my laptop so i can update this ish more often. not much to say. its been a crazy past few months. alot of shit in my head that couldnt even be read, because even if i wrote it, it would be better off spoken. but yeah. last mixtape was a flop kinda. put it out, but nobody really downloaded it. probably because it was all songs theyve heard already. learned from it though. next mixtape is gonna be alot better. were gonna take our time with this one. we got alot of tracks in the making, some are really good, others are alright. trying to get a good army of songs to make this next mixtape successful. just recorded a video for our song "swagger". came out pretty good. theres alot of stuff we got planned. its just a matter of being motivated enough to do it. but im out for now. ill prolly write something later.
owww....

hold on player, hold on, you can do it.

Good look on the premonitons beat charles. Glad I got to do some venting. Hit me up with that frustration beat. Id really appreciate that shit mah dude. Now that I think about it, you prolly won't, but wen were workin together in the future, im gonna give you a buck for not sendin me it.
In other words, today was kinda live. Chilled wit vato all day then he got drunk n turned into a douche like usual. No alcohol for vato anymore. He has a tendency of overdoing it and being a prick. Sober? He's cool as fuck. Me and vato been fuckin ridin out the past few days while bobbys away. Suprisingly it hasn't been as horrible as I thought. We've been doin some stupid but entertaining stuff. Looking forward to tomorrow cuz its saturday. Saturdays are usually good...
Gotta get on the track shit tho. I've been fuckin around but that's just it, fuckin around, nothing more. Got some good shit out tonight. Proud of that verse. Its deep and its hot. Charles hamilton influenced hardbody.
In other other words, I need to stop smokin weed. Headaches are fucking whackdeeno. My bad bobberino. Maybe that's why I haven't been smokin. Maybe its cuz my smokin buddy aint here. Idk. But weed hasn't really been gettin me high, or at least not as high as im used to. Shiiiiiit.

Shoutout to wiz!
Shoutout to sonic!
Shoutout to ye!

Sotm: welcome to heartbreak - yeezy/premontions - sonicthehamilton

I <3 my asian. Don't forget that assfuckshitdickbitchcunt.

oh yeah.

There's a few things to say. Just to keep me up on my shit.
1. Wiz khalifa flight school mixtape/album/whateveryouwannacallit. Piffdeeno. I was lovin the kanye inspired post names but I have a feeling you're gonna see some wiz ones soon.
2. The tracks are...woah. Never dropped the mixtape. Decided just to get a good 20-30 tracks before we drop anything. Dig it? I mean, since the quality isn't the best and we can't really do much better with what we got, we may as well have quantity. Digz. But we got about 11 tracks as of now and a good 3-5 that are ready to record.
3. My shoulder fucking hurts.
4. Im trying to stop the weed smoking. It really isn't good.
5. I need a girl. Part 2. Diddy status. Dig it.

Speakin of which.
Sotp: I need a girl pt 2 - diddy n mario winnans

This is what I need, is a pretty woman next to me...

I've seen it...I've seen it before...

I could come up with some excuse as to why its been 10 days since my last post, but honestly, I've just been brushing it off. I mean, I don't really have to lie to you, seeing as you are me. I guess. Heh. Anyways. Its been another day in paradise. Unfortunately, we got absolutely nothing done today, and if anything, I fell a few steps back. Weed is whack. I need a new hobby. Not even a hobby. Music is my hobby. Whatever. Anyways, I need the same thing I've always needed: a fucking woman. You know the deal.
in other words, I really fucking miss you boogz, and I wish you were still here. There's so much shit we would've laughed at, so many bucks people woulda got, so many tracks we coulda made. Its a shame my dude. You left this world way too soon, and you're departure has affected so many peoples lives that I couldn't even begin to name each person because I don't think id be able to finish the list. You were a great person, you were hilarious, and you always knew how to make people laugh. Even though your body is gone, your spirit still lives in us. Everybody still remembers you, and everybody still looks for you, if that makes sense. Its hard to believe that in 3 months it'll be a year since you passed. You were my first friend I've ever lost and I can sincerely say that you changed my life. I mean, all of the events last summer changed me, but you as a person in my life changed me. Ever since I met you. I idolized you and I will for the rest of my days. I think the reason god took you was because there just wasn't enough space on the planet for all of the potential you had. They say only the good die young, and I've said it before and ill say it again, you were one of the best.
Rest in peace my brother. OTB really loves you and really misses you and would be nothing without you, litterally. This whole music thing is all because of you, and its all for you. Me, bobby, kam, vato, everybody over the bridge, we all are keepin it wavy in your memory. The wave never stops my dude.
Keep watchin over us. We really need you. This world is crazy, and I can sleep a lot easier knowin that I got a guardian angel lookin over me. Again, rest in peace my friend. We'll meet again one day, and hopefully when that day comes, we can sit back, smoke a jay, and talk about how great the world would be if oxygen was piff and water was vodka. Ha. Much love.

Boogie is my hero. Nuff said. Owww...

the l word post.

Hey.
Just let me confess...
On some real shit, I wish you were here
Or that I was there.
Either way id be happier then I am right now.
I think its funny that I can't find the right words or that I can't do the right things.
Ever.
I guess im just not confident enough for you.

If I came out the blue and asked you to marry me, would you take it seriously? Or would you laugh in my face?

Im leaning towards the latter.

I really hate being alone.

Its funny cuz like, I dnt even wanna feel this way about you.
1. I know you'll never feel the same way about me.
2. if I ever even had the chance to make somethin between us id prolly fuck it up anyways.
3. Your way outta my league.

But my head keeps spinnin,
And when im asleep,
Im dreamin of you,
And when I wake up,
Im thinkin of you,
And when think about you,
And dream about you,
It makes me want you so much more,
But when I see you,
I freeze up,
And say somethin stupid,
Or do somethin stupid.
I just wish i could lie down next to you without gettin nervous,
Or that I could look you in the eye without smilin,
Or that I could think about you without feelin like there's somethin missin,
Cuz then id be alright.
Your always only a phonecall or text away,
And I see you everyday,
But it would be sweet if I got to spend more time with you.

Dead ass.

N I love your brother, but I could fall in love with you.

You're never gonna see this.
But I hope you still get the message.

I really do care about you a lot kiddo.
And you really do make me smile.
So tell everybody that you know.
I got the right to put up a fight, right?

Chewie, if you knew me before, then maybe you'd be my girl.
Oh well. I guess im better off alone...

If I dream about you tonite, then I gotta bag you.

sotp: sooner or later - drake

Cuz the lights don't glow the same way that they used to
And I finally got a moment to myself.
You don't need no one else...

wow. they really like me.

Otb threw me the best suprise birthday party ever. That's all I gotta say about that. Thanks for that shit guys. That was the best fuckin birthday I've ever had. Fun trip to sleeping giant too.
Got a new track called relax.
If dudes make it big ill be so happy.
Otb has got to be somethin big.
I just hope the right people hear it.
Its april 7th, so we got 13 days to drop this shit, and so far we have like 7 concrete tracks. 5 more n it should be piff.
Shoutout to young money.
Drizzy drake.
Weezy wee.
Yeezy.
Bigga.
T-pizzle.
C hamilton.
Cool kidz.
Can't forget about those guys.
Now that's what beat makin is about.
Cool kidz rock shit.
Id be honored to lay down a track with those dudes.
Mikey n chuck.
If you see this, hit a nigga up.
Word.

On a darker note,
Im lonely :\
I hope that when I make it to the top I got a queen to sit on the throne with.
Digz?

But I dnt want no robocop...

the day after tomorrow.

Is my fuckin birthday.
Cool.
So. The booth is sick.
Niggas know the flow is too.
Not much to say about today.
Today was a good day.
I guess.
Nothing exceptional.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Err.
Today.
My bad.

Re: I love you.


What a name for a poem...

and I wonder.

Damn. Screwed up last nite. But I guess I kinda made up for it by doin it now. Its still the 3rd. Ha.
saul williams. You son of a gun. I admire your world. I really do.

I simply want to be
The love song
Dangling from her lips.

I want to be
The one she calls
On her cigarette break
Not the cause of it.

Now THAT is piff. This guy is a fuckin problem. Speakin of problems, charles hamilton is a monster. Im afraid of this dude. He says some sick shit that blows my mind, n his ability to make beats is fuckin outrageous. Feelin the at most im just mixtape.
Speakin of mixtapes, keep those eyes open for the shit were droppin. The so far the sessions have been hard n the hooks have been harder.
Only 17 days now.
Shoutout to asher roth.
Looks like we droppin our mixtapes on the same day.
In other news.
Please don't interrupt my happy ending...cuz I am not pretending...

Have you got it in you?

Cuz I do...

im bad like michael jackson.

its 4 am and im still up.
Its been a long day. Did a lot of shit. Made a beast track. Lookin forward to tomorrow.
For once.
I love my friends and my family.
Maybe this year really will be different.
Im puttin my heart into it.
Digz?
Digz.

Im sorry miss jackson, I am for real...

that was a good one. your first good one in awhile.

Fucking april fools.
Im a fool.

Today better be live or fml to the fullest.

Over tha bridge in tha buildin
We countin up tha stacks n watch tha money hit tha ceilin!

That's the new one.

Look out for that one bitches.

5 days to go...

back in the booth.

I miss it. The deep breaths relieve stress, exhale and release a mess of words scattered across the page but it make sense when I say it. My heart collaborated with my mind the same way it doesn't when im layin on the mattress, sayin whatever comes to mind so I take in as much as I can and absorb. I can see you on the outside but you burn in my core until I vomit and my stomach acids back up the track but a new verse couldn't even stack up to the first. I keep the page loaded to let off whenever needed. The tracks been seeded and im growin like weeds and I aint never gettin pulled out, the lines that are ruled out and ruled out cuz they so ill they got you screamin like schools out. I woke up and the mic was in my line of sight. I aint got time to write so im spittin for my life cuz I aint got time to live so I got time to give. You can find me in the booth until the day I get big. Dig.

Sotp: hittin all tha spots - otb productions.

oz.

I fell down the yellow brick road.
I guess you're just meant to learn some things.
Like the ignorance of a scarecrow,
Or the fear of a lion,
Or the knowing that even the tin man doesn't have a heart of steel.
Nobody is perfect.
Everyone is missing something,
And love, I think you know just what Im lacking.
Now ill never keep you from doing you,
Just remember,
There's no place like home...

Sotp: meteorite - otb productions. oww...

damn.

I fucked up. Shit real. Didn't post every night, but fuck it. Crazy ass past few nights. I've been zooted out my mind. I dnt even know what to tell you. If I said how I felt, you wouldn't understand. I need to quit smoking. Its a fuckin bad habit.
Fml...

Sotp: im the shit - yeezy
Im not human - weezy.
Feel me?

I fuckin hate this shit. Fuck it.
Wtf!

you keep it too real, boy

They fucked up the dbz movie. I was fuckin disappointed to say the least. I really expected them to be more accurate, but come on, were talkin hollywood, they love to chop up movies. If it was made in japan, it would've been done right. Suprisingly, the guy who played goku was pretty good. Yamcha too. And master roshi. Haha. Anyways...im feelin alright for now. Can't really tell the difference between high or not. wierd right? 9 days til my birthday. This should be a fun little count down. If I can manage to remember, then ill try to post at least once a day leading up to my birthday. I can't wait to get that new ds. That shit is hot. Haha. I pretty much got everything I need for the spring already. I got plenty of clothes, I got all of my mariujana accesories haha, and I got a pretty good grip on my shit. I can't wait to recover from this shoulder shit so I can get back to work. That moneys been on my mind lately. I've had no income for the past week and its drivin me crazy. K im done. Oww...

Song of the post: somebodys watching me remix - mysto & pizzi ya diego!

10101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101.

Kiss me thru the phone! Haha fml!

may as well go if I know its my prime

And until I fade, you'll be frozen in time...

I will always know...

If I had a chance to take back the promises I made, then maybe your face wouldn't fade to a mist everytime im high of the piff, and maybe jay wouldn't exist in your memory, I know you got a locker full of love songs and you lock her out of sympathy, cuz you're still feelin me, but now im on a fresh track, trained for the day that ill say im okay with myself, its a better road ahead but the weather never helps cuz I still slip n slide til I flip off the side of the street, to me you were less than a 3 when I left you but when I met you, you was the best thing, cuz ignorance really is a blessing, the truth is too painful and I am unable to cope without pills, your so cold I get chills when I think back, but I don't really know why Id think that you could float the same boat you sink. That's the reason why I will always know...

dear boo...

When you say you're leaving, you leave behind the resin of X's and O's on my lips and around my arms.
When I close my eyes, I see you, and you look just as beautiful as you do when my eyes are open.
Fuck it, I miss you.
You make me smile, and I've been wearing a frown since I woke up.
I took my pain medication today, but I didn't get my daily dose of you.
So now I just got this numb feeling in my chest.
N that's true shit.
Im gonna die with my music...

dear boo

I miss you. You make me happy. You make me feel good. You are a blessing. I am so happy that I have you in my life. I hope you realize what you mean to me...

on some sick shit...

Im startin to like the perks...

my fuckin shoulder hurts.

I did it. Im all done. I fuckin did it. They fucked my shit up, but I did it. I took a fuckin syringe to the neck, and Im gonna have a scar on my arm the size of my phone, but fuck it. I did it. Can't believe it. The painkillers are doin a pretty good job too. My shoulder is basically just really sore. But christ, I did it.
Im proud of myself.
Hopefully ill get better as soon as possible.
Shoutout to ronnieboo. Good look on the rice crispy treats.
My fucking shoulder hurts.
Song of the post: gifted - nasa & yeezy.
Im lifted...im gifted...

the very first time that I saw your brown eyes...

I think I said hi. Or maybe I ignored you.
Everyone deserves a second chance. If I knew then what I know now...
Shit baedoll! Your really on my mind more than the guapo. I miss you. Isn't that shit crazy? I was just with you the other day, but I miss you like its been forever. Maybe that's cuz I know you aren't gonna call and just show up. Not tonight.
Tomorrow im waking up and getting fucking surgery, so I get so be fucked up on perks for a few weeks til I recover. Great.
That just makes it even longer before I see you again.
I can't believe I really sung that song acapella today in front of all those people. That was such a crazy adrenaline rush. Usually I get that feeling from gettin hurt or somethin like that, but not from singing. It was wierd. I felt so good afterwards. 2 days sober. Woah.
Its crazy. Life. Its fucking intense. I love it tho. And I love everyone.
Anyways, back to the whole point of this post.
Dear y.o.u.
If I ever fall in love again, ill be sure that the lady is you.
I promise.

Only difference between you and me is that when I make a promise, I intend to keep it.
But I still love you.
And I always will.
Because your my girl
And without you, id be heartless.
Baby come back.
I was wrong and I just can't live without you...

why do she be so mad at me for?

Home idk.
St pattys parade.
People drink way past their limit.
Shit is very real.
Meedy for the most part.
Some cool shit happened, but it was mostly whack cuz I kinda wanted to chill more but fuck it.
One day, imma buy you the world...

Boo I think your my favorite girl ever.

So tell everybody that you know.

I got the right to put up a fight...

today...

I woke up on 2 hours of sleep, went to the doctors, went back to sleep, woke up 4 hours later, got fucking stoned, and stayed high until now.
FML!!!!!!!

And the thing that sucks the most is that I gotta get up for work at 11. And to make things even better, ill prolly end up working all night.
Or not.
Either way, I got like 5 days til my surgery. This is gonna suck so bad.

FML!!!!!!!!

I hope one day, when I least expect it, she comes to me and tells me she loves me and means it. that would be sweet.

We could make our sweet escape...
We should make our sweet escape...

Has anyone told you that you look beautiful today?

Haha.
FML!

dear charles hamilton

There are two voices in my head. One is saying, "let me have it all and get it over with" and the other is saying, "what's the hurry?". Which one should I listen to?
Write back.

never knows best...

Wow. 2 weeks. Nice one. Its funny, I think about blogging but I don't do it.
Never knows best...
Anyways, this is what the past 2 weeks have taught me.
1. Rekindling an old flame is easy, but it doesn't burn the same, and it leaves you with this empty feeling.
2. Dreams are fucked up.
3. When she leaves, I get that same empty feeling those other girls give me, because I guess I don't really know if she's coming back...
4. she really means the world to me. Haha. Christ.
5. If you love something, then expect it to hurt you.

Its all a game baby...
I want my 64 back...
Where's my fuckin 64?

I win.
You lose.
So keep your love locked down...

wow.

March 1st. In 18 days im gettin surgery. Not looking forward to it but eh. Lets do it. Why not, right? Fuck.
6 letters. You know who im talkin about. What a girl.
That's all I have to say about that.
Money is great.
But im still missin somethin.
Im not askin for the whole shabang.
Just some love.
Is that so much to ask?
1st otb mixtape has to come out by april.
If not.
Idk what im gonna do.
Im either makin moves
Or im wastin time
And life is short.
Bitches...
Shoutout to my fav wookie. Ya digz.

okay, if I can zone...

once again, im in, the emotion is quick to give up and so I spit and live up to my minds content and I can think alotta shit up, I hurl, these niggas just spit up, wipe the shit up and light the piff up, I go harder then your abs when you sit up, these dudes should get up and take off, I got so many jays I stay facin my face off, bite your tounge bitch or imma slap the taste off, take me off the track like takin the bass off, the bass on I take on any challenger, I hit you nine times like fifty or j. Salinger, dudes cower in fear when I appear on the track don't call it a feature, my best feature is my next feature, the last one was somethin like a rap creature, I fine tuned it, my mind tuned into the lesson like a teacher, extract the wisdom and step back, im exact when I cut the beat, fuck it run that shit back, dunks slap the cement, I spent so much money on piff that all I got left is residue on my lips, so please leave the room if you don't smoke, no joke, every line I rhyme is two tokes, I call these dudes verses roachies, it aint even enough for a buzz, trust, I need least a blunt, or two, im through, three make my knees weak, four make me queasy, the fifth one get me feelin eazy, after that I can smoke an o like meezy, im the best so you best believe me. Oww...

and just because I don't remember shit

Doesn't mean you have the right to act like you don't give a shit.
Its fucking valentines day and im alone :(
I gotta finish that something about us song tomarrow...

ready to fly oww.

Brother boogie I wrote this for you
Cuz shit real, god took you too soon
Now everytime I look at tha sky I see blue
To tell tha truth you taught me a lesson
To keep your head up is a blessin
Cuz life be messin with your head sometimes
And sometimes you gotta feel ready to die
Cuz shit a real nigga gotta fly.

Respect n love.
Rest in peace Boogavel.
I got an enternity of love for you my nigga. Shit real. No homo tho.

febuary 6th.

So im gonna try and keep this blog til the end of the year and then kaput. Anyways, there's not much for me to say. I got a few things in mind, cuz blogging is really the only way to reach the rest of the world at 5:30 in the morning...
Ok. First off, home movies is a great show. Hilarious. Accurate sense of humor to mine. Ok.
It would be cool if boobz was my valentine. Ya dig?
And I miss my boo :(
She needs to come chill with me.
And tomorrow is gonna be whack.
Maybe.
Idk.
Ok. Im done.
Peace...

canvas.

ive had the most fucking retarded past two days of my life. i go to sleep trashed at 6 am, wake up 3 hours later, stay up all day, go to sleep at 2 am the next day and wake up 2 hours later, stay up all day, then sleep for like 11 hours. now its almost 12 and i gotta wake up for work tomarrow. speakin of which, i missed word today... fucking a. anyways. i love females. theyre fucking GREAT! especially yellow ones with red hair. heh. ok. so canvas.
thats what life is.
a fucking canvas.
and you're behind it.
with a paintbrush
and every fucking color of paint you can imagine.
the problem is, the paint is in front of the cavas.
so in order to paint on the canvas, you gotta hold your arm around it
blindly choose a color
and blindly paint
something.
now you can cheat.
you cant peek around the corner, and you cant even see the painting
but you can tear holes in the canvas and take control of your painting
but you cant sew the holes once theyre there
thats what it is.
i think.

wheres my woman at?
valentines day is comin up and i dont got no valentine. :(

that's the end of that!

Ehh. Not as happy with my little project as I predicted I would be. Some of them are piff, but others are ehh. Did good but coulda done better. Anyways...rihanna is sexy.
Shoutout to bfb! Ya dig!

paranoid.

Why are you so paranoid?
Don't be so paranoid.
Baby don't worry bout it.
Look at you.
Tell me right now, do you really wanna spend your whole life alone?
Relax.
It might not be the right time.
Let go of the wheel
And see where fate takes you.
Anyways...

coldest winter.

On lonely nights I start to fade.
All of it doesn't seem like enough to keep my head lost in the voices of your rejection.
The street lights, the bad news, the heartbreak, the nightmares, the paranoia...

Spring is on its way
And I can't say im anything less than ready.
The snow is starting to thaw, and I can taste the difference in the air.
This year will be better...

see you in my nightmares.

In my dreams you love me
But when I wake there is nothing.
Suddenly the insomnia and the lost memory seem to aid me
And offer the only hope I got.
Its just that
When I do manage to fall asleep
And when I do manage to remember
Is when I regret waking up.
I've never seen birds fly by faster than this dawn.
I can't get no sleep.
Ill see you in my nightmares...

pinnochio story.

You can only do this for so long before you forget who you really are.
I'm sick of pretending like I'm someone I'm not
but everything you say reminds me how much I've lost
and every part of myself that I miss.
In order to move on, you have to let some things go
but this wasn't in the fine print.
You move like the silhouette in my window
dances with the raindrops and street lights.
Tonight I'll sleep without you by my side.
I can't keep lying to you
I just want to be a real boy...

love lockdown.

I've seen these walls before.
They distort and delay your voice
but its never sounded more crisp or clear than it does tonight.
And its never anything more than a one night stand
or a hazy memory I'm supposed to hold on to forever.
My wrists are starting to burn
and my faith is starting to drain
because it kind of feels like you really did lose the key...

robocop.

Gunpowder residue and the taste of cold steel on my tounge
And the confining promise of solitude.
I've never felt so...out of control...

bad news.

Didn't you know?
I always had a way of masking my heart
When you start to feel like
You know what I know
But if you knew what I know
You might think twice about that smile.
Newpaper ink peels off tha page and onto my soul
Like putty
Because I just heard some real bad news...

amazing.

Its amazing
How everything you do
And everything I say
Is just another verse.
You always were that vaccum
That sucks all the good out my life
And all the hope out my veins.
Its amazing
Im the reason
Everybodys fired up this evening...

street lights.

She keeps the blinds closed.
She always does.
Maybe its cuz the street lights are so bright
But the streets don't have much direction without them.
A note stapled to the kitchen table
Was all I left behind.
I know I still got time to grow...

heartless.

Cigarette smoke was always your scent
And I guess it was always my vice.
You know, I had no idea you could feel this lonely
In the middle of the night
But you can get a lot of thinking done while the sun is down
And I've run out of liquor
So I might need a pick me up
Because my chest feels empty without your smoke...

say you will.

Its hard to make decisions in situations like this
With feelings so...honest
Brutally honest.
I understand the pressure
With what is at stake
And the fear
Of what the future may hold.
Its all in your hands
And it always was...

welcome to heartbreak.

My head keeps spinning.
Visions of her haunt my dreams
So that even when im wake
I still can't escape them.
It has become more than a phase
But I am happy that I can share it with you
Or at least pretend to.
I've opened my heart to a new chapter...

new idea...

Ok so two fucking smart ass people, shit, I mean, poets. 808s and heartbreak but in poetry. Saul williams style. Don't know why I didn't think of it before. Lets see what I got...

where's my fuckin 64?

Its all a game baby! Everything happens for a reason. There's a time for everything. Take responsibility for your actions and make change.
Im kinda startin to think that 09 really is the year of change. Shit is looking strait. Gotta wake up tomarrow and go my ass to work... make that money... shit real...

Lets get it. Im watchin hard time in alaska. Heh.

Naw. Don't even wanna...

Til next time!

2009

Really might be the year of change. Maybe shit will be different this year. Niggas is growin this year! Im back on tha grizzy bitches!

honestly

I could live in a bar forever...

if I were a real boy

Waddup blog? Heroin is a hell of a drug. Christ.

I have work in 10 hours.
I better get my white ass to sleep...
I can't wait...
Moolah, chips, hot chocolate, and happy hour...
Shit real!

ooh but you say that you only meant well

Hide and seek...
This is what we need and you decided it...
Don't even know what to say or how to feel. You know the deal. Shit real. Fuck.

okay

Well be alright if you don't ask me to stay...

that's how you feel?

Fuck that. This how I feel. About everything I can think of right now.

My father. I feel like you've given up on me. You tried to make me something I wasn't meant to be, so I did what my instincts told me to do, become as far from what you wanted me to be as I could. At least I kept a good head on my shoulders and didn't give in to anything too badly. Im not a drugatic. Im not an alcoholic. Yet. Lets not touch that one yet tho. Anyways. In spite of you. That's why I think I do what I do. I just don't care anymore. You've lost faith in me, so how the fuck am I supposed to have faith in myself? The only person who's got faith in me is my mother. She's crazy for that one. She's my reason to live tho. She's done what my father has never done. She shows me love in a way that I am receptive to. Maybe that's his problem. Maybe he just hasn't learned how to love people the way they were meant to be loved. Maybe everybody is meant to be loved a different way. My mom is a savage at doing that. That's her shining quality. She knows how to love. I really admire that, because it makes everybody around her feel special, and it makes me feel like an asshole for being an asshole to her... my mother needs to get away. She needs something more than this. We all do. Its funny cuz its our own faults that were here. You really do dig your own grave. My brother? I don't even know what to say. I wish I was a better role model. He had to see all of my episodes. The worst times of my life. I wish him and I got along better. My friends, which I will rename for the sake of their privacy, make me and break me. Scott is how I wish I was with my brother. Bob is my fuckin right hand man. Tim taught me how to give. And chewie has given me so much inspiration. All of these fuckin people are my second family. I got a connection with them that I don't got with anyone else. I know how much love is there, cuz I see it every weekend when everyone is bent nasty. And if you think im missin someone, your wrong, cuz im not. Im missin two other people. R-boo is like the big sister I never had. Its crazy cuz I've known her forever but not really. She really takes care of me and for some reason I get along with her easily. Then there's the big one, g-boo. Don't even know how to say it. She litteraly is the only person in the world that can make me and break me with the snap of a finger. I really need her. She means so much to me, and it really pisses me off that she doesn't see it.
I wanna be your world but its so hard to be it, maybe lookin in your eyes is exactly what I needed...
That smell. She's got this scent that ill never forget...
I like that.
And then myself...
I feel like im just not good enough for my father, or for her.
Everything else is great
But those two people kill me
I wish they showed me the affection I need, because im sincere in my heart...
Fuck it. Im done writing.

everydays a new day, this could be your last one...

Damn. Its been almost 2 weeks since I posted anything... im slippin...
I really am. Not just on the blod, but in life. I hope I can catch myself before I fall...
So far 09 hasn't been the year I expected, and im not too sure it will be, but then again, its still only january. Febuarys the month of love. I just wish it was meant for me. I need it. Either that or there's something else I need. My father doesn't even talk to me, my mother isn't happy with the way her life is, I don't really chill with my brother much, the girl I love doesn't love me, and on top of all that, I don't even love myself. I really do need something. Weed doesn't do it for me anymore, and looking back, it never really did. I mean, don't get me wrong, if it wasn't for weed, I wouldn't have the friends I have today, and im more than blessed for that, but then again, if it wasn't for weed, I wouldn't be in the situation im in now...
Ignorance really is bliss... that may be the truest thing I've ever been told...
If I never knew how it felt to be loved, then maybe I wouldn't miss it so much...
If I never knew how she loved, then maybe I wouldn't want it so much...
Maybe im just worried about the wrong things...
Why am I so paranoid?

I saw

The sunset in your eyes...

What a way to start off a poem.
Let me give it a go...
I don't think im too rusty...

I saw the sunset in your eyes
And I think
It may be
The most beautiful thing
I have ever seen.
They call me a fool for wearing my heart on my sleeve
But they don't know
About me and you
And I don't think
They ever will.
I remember the winter walks and those summer days when the weather wouldn't make up its mind
Just like it was yesterday
And yesterday
Never seemed
So far away.
My bed still feels empty without you
And maybe that's why I can't sleep
Or dream
Until the sunrise
Cuz I can't wait
To see you again.

Inspired by some random poem of the same name. God. Its 4 am.

I've slept for the past two days...

thats all i had to say.