that's how you feel?

Fuck that. This how I feel. About everything I can think of right now.

My father. I feel like you've given up on me. You tried to make me something I wasn't meant to be, so I did what my instincts told me to do, become as far from what you wanted me to be as I could. At least I kept a good head on my shoulders and didn't give in to anything too badly. Im not a drugatic. Im not an alcoholic. Yet. Lets not touch that one yet tho. Anyways. In spite of you. That's why I think I do what I do. I just don't care anymore. You've lost faith in me, so how the fuck am I supposed to have faith in myself? The only person who's got faith in me is my mother. She's crazy for that one. She's my reason to live tho. She's done what my father has never done. She shows me love in a way that I am receptive to. Maybe that's his problem. Maybe he just hasn't learned how to love people the way they were meant to be loved. Maybe everybody is meant to be loved a different way. My mom is a savage at doing that. That's her shining quality. She knows how to love. I really admire that, because it makes everybody around her feel special, and it makes me feel like an asshole for being an asshole to her... my mother needs to get away. She needs something more than this. We all do. Its funny cuz its our own faults that were here. You really do dig your own grave. My brother? I don't even know what to say. I wish I was a better role model. He had to see all of my episodes. The worst times of my life. I wish him and I got along better. My friends, which I will rename for the sake of their privacy, make me and break me. Scott is how I wish I was with my brother. Bob is my fuckin right hand man. Tim taught me how to give. And chewie has given me so much inspiration. All of these fuckin people are my second family. I got a connection with them that I don't got with anyone else. I know how much love is there, cuz I see it every weekend when everyone is bent nasty. And if you think im missin someone, your wrong, cuz im not. Im missin two other people. R-boo is like the big sister I never had. Its crazy cuz I've known her forever but not really. She really takes care of me and for some reason I get along with her easily. Then there's the big one, g-boo. Don't even know how to say it. She litteraly is the only person in the world that can make me and break me with the snap of a finger. I really need her. She means so much to me, and it really pisses me off that she doesn't see it.
I wanna be your world but its so hard to be it, maybe lookin in your eyes is exactly what I needed...
That smell. She's got this scent that ill never forget...
I like that.
And then myself...
I feel like im just not good enough for my father, or for her.
Everything else is great
But those two people kill me
I wish they showed me the affection I need, because im sincere in my heart...
Fuck it. Im done writing.