Friday, January 30, 2009

that's the end of that!

Ehh. Not as happy with my little project as I predicted I would be. Some of them are piff, but others are ehh. Did good but coulda done better. Anyways...rihanna is sexy.
Shoutout to bfb! Ya dig!

paranoid.

Why are you so paranoid?
Don't be so paranoid.
Baby don't worry bout it.
Look at you.
Tell me right now, do you really wanna spend your whole life alone?
Relax.
It might not be the right time.
Let go of the wheel
And see where fate takes you.
Anyways...

coldest winter.

On lonely nights I start to fade.
All of it doesn't seem like enough to keep my head lost in the voices of your rejection.
The street lights, the bad news, the heartbreak, the nightmares, the paranoia...

Spring is on its way
And I can't say im anything less than ready.
The snow is starting to thaw, and I can taste the difference in the air.
This year will be better...

see you in my nightmares.

In my dreams you love me
But when I wake there is nothing.
Suddenly the insomnia and the lost memory seem to aid me
And offer the only hope I got.
Its just that
When I do manage to fall asleep
And when I do manage to remember
Is when I regret waking up.
I've never seen birds fly by faster than this dawn.
I can't get no sleep.
Ill see you in my nightmares...

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

pinnochio story.

You can only do this for so long before you forget who you really are.
I'm sick of pretending like I'm someone I'm not
but everything you say reminds me how much I've lost
and every part of myself that I miss.
In order to move on, you have to let some things go
but this wasn't in the fine print.
You move like the silhouette in my window
dances with the raindrops and street lights.
Tonight I'll sleep without you by my side.
I can't keep lying to you
I just want to be a real boy...

love lockdown.

I've seen these walls before.
They distort and delay your voice
but its never sounded more crisp or clear than it does tonight.
And its never anything more than a one night stand
or a hazy memory I'm supposed to hold on to forever.
My wrists are starting to burn
and my faith is starting to drain
because it kind of feels like you really did lose the key...

robocop.

Gunpowder residue and the taste of cold steel on my tounge
And the confining promise of solitude.
I've never felt so...out of control...

bad news.

Didn't you know?
I always had a way of masking my heart
When you start to feel like
You know what I know
But if you knew what I know
You might think twice about that smile.
Newpaper ink peels off tha page and onto my soul
Like putty
Because I just heard some real bad news...

amazing.

Its amazing
How everything you do
And everything I say
Is just another verse.
You always were that vaccum
That sucks all the good out my life
And all the hope out my veins.
Its amazing
Im the reason
Everybodys fired up this evening...

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

street lights.

She keeps the blinds closed.
She always does.
Maybe its cuz the street lights are so bright
But the streets don't have much direction without them.
A note stapled to the kitchen table
Was all I left behind.
I know I still got time to grow...

heartless.

Cigarette smoke was always your scent
And I guess it was always my vice.
You know, I had no idea you could feel this lonely
In the middle of the night
But you can get a lot of thinking done while the sun is down
And I've run out of liquor
So I might need a pick me up
Because my chest feels empty without your smoke...

say you will.

Its hard to make decisions in situations like this
With feelings so...honest
Brutally honest.
I understand the pressure
With what is at stake
And the fear
Of what the future may hold.
Its all in your hands
And it always was...

welcome to heartbreak.

My head keeps spinning.
Visions of her haunt my dreams
So that even when im wake
I still can't escape them.
It has become more than a phase
But I am happy that I can share it with you
Or at least pretend to.
I've opened my heart to a new chapter...

new idea...

Ok so two fucking smart ass people, shit, I mean, poets. 808s and heartbreak but in poetry. Saul williams style. Don't know why I didn't think of it before. Lets see what I got...

Monday, January 26, 2009

where's my fuckin 64?

Its all a game baby! Everything happens for a reason. There's a time for everything. Take responsibility for your actions and make change.
Im kinda startin to think that 09 really is the year of change. Shit is looking strait. Gotta wake up tomarrow and go my ass to work... make that money... shit real...

Lets get it. Im watchin hard time in alaska. Heh.

Naw. Don't even wanna...

Til next time!

Saturday, January 24, 2009

2009

Really might be the year of change. Maybe shit will be different this year. Niggas is growin this year! Im back on tha grizzy bitches!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

honestly

I could live in a bar forever...

Monday, January 19, 2009

if I were a real boy

Waddup blog? Heroin is a hell of a drug. Christ.

I have work in 10 hours.
I better get my white ass to sleep...
I can't wait...
Moolah, chips, hot chocolate, and happy hour...
Shit real!

Saturday, January 17, 2009

ooh but you say that you only meant well

Hide and seek...
This is what we need and you decided it...
Don't even know what to say or how to feel. You know the deal. Shit real. Fuck.

Friday, January 16, 2009

okay

Well be alright if you don't ask me to stay...

that's how you feel?

Fuck that. This how I feel. About everything I can think of right now.

My father. I feel like you've given up on me. You tried to make me something I wasn't meant to be, so I did what my instincts told me to do, become as far from what you wanted me to be as I could. At least I kept a good head on my shoulders and didn't give in to anything too badly. Im not a drugatic. Im not an alcoholic. Yet. Lets not touch that one yet tho. Anyways. In spite of you. That's why I think I do what I do. I just don't care anymore. You've lost faith in me, so how the fuck am I supposed to have faith in myself? The only person who's got faith in me is my mother. She's crazy for that one. She's my reason to live tho. She's done what my father has never done. She shows me love in a way that I am receptive to. Maybe that's his problem. Maybe he just hasn't learned how to love people the way they were meant to be loved. Maybe everybody is meant to be loved a different way. My mom is a savage at doing that. That's her shining quality. She knows how to love. I really admire that, because it makes everybody around her feel special, and it makes me feel like an asshole for being an asshole to her... my mother needs to get away. She needs something more than this. We all do. Its funny cuz its our own faults that were here. You really do dig your own grave. My brother? I don't even know what to say. I wish I was a better role model. He had to see all of my episodes. The worst times of my life. I wish him and I got along better. My friends, which I will rename for the sake of their privacy, make me and break me. Scott is how I wish I was with my brother. Bob is my fuckin right hand man. Tim taught me how to give. And chewie has given me so much inspiration. All of these fuckin people are my second family. I got a connection with them that I don't got with anyone else. I know how much love is there, cuz I see it every weekend when everyone is bent nasty. And if you think im missin someone, your wrong, cuz im not. Im missin two other people. R-boo is like the big sister I never had. Its crazy cuz I've known her forever but not really. She really takes care of me and for some reason I get along with her easily. Then there's the big one, g-boo. Don't even know how to say it. She litteraly is the only person in the world that can make me and break me with the snap of a finger. I really need her. She means so much to me, and it really pisses me off that she doesn't see it.
I wanna be your world but its so hard to be it, maybe lookin in your eyes is exactly what I needed...
That smell. She's got this scent that ill never forget...
I like that.
And then myself...
I feel like im just not good enough for my father, or for her.
Everything else is great
But those two people kill me
I wish they showed me the affection I need, because im sincere in my heart...
Fuck it. Im done writing.

everydays a new day, this could be your last one...

Damn. Its been almost 2 weeks since I posted anything... im slippin...
I really am. Not just on the blod, but in life. I hope I can catch myself before I fall...
So far 09 hasn't been the year I expected, and im not too sure it will be, but then again, its still only january. Febuarys the month of love. I just wish it was meant for me. I need it. Either that or there's something else I need. My father doesn't even talk to me, my mother isn't happy with the way her life is, I don't really chill with my brother much, the girl I love doesn't love me, and on top of all that, I don't even love myself. I really do need something. Weed doesn't do it for me anymore, and looking back, it never really did. I mean, don't get me wrong, if it wasn't for weed, I wouldn't have the friends I have today, and im more than blessed for that, but then again, if it wasn't for weed, I wouldn't be in the situation im in now...
Ignorance really is bliss... that may be the truest thing I've ever been told...
If I never knew how it felt to be loved, then maybe I wouldn't miss it so much...
If I never knew how she loved, then maybe I wouldn't want it so much...
Maybe im just worried about the wrong things...
Why am I so paranoid?

Sunday, January 4, 2009

I saw

The sunset in your eyes...

What a way to start off a poem.
Let me give it a go...
I don't think im too rusty...

I saw the sunset in your eyes
And I think
It may be
The most beautiful thing
I have ever seen.
They call me a fool for wearing my heart on my sleeve
But they don't know
About me and you
And I don't think
They ever will.
I remember the winter walks and those summer days when the weather wouldn't make up its mind
Just like it was yesterday
And yesterday
Never seemed
So far away.
My bed still feels empty without you
And maybe that's why I can't sleep
Or dream
Until the sunrise
Cuz I can't wait
To see you again.

Inspired by some random poem of the same name. God. Its 4 am.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

I've slept for the past two days...

thats all i had to say.